Alright
by MagentaQuinn
Summary: I've heard of people leaving babies outside an orphanage, but not outside of a second hand shop! But they were so beautiful, I had to keep them, even if it destroys my dream of being one of the most famous mods. Naboo and Bollo seem to be okay with it, but what will Howard say when I tell him he's a father?
1. The Shattered Window

**Author's Note: **Alright, all of us who ship Howence (and maybe a bit of Noelian . . . Oh la la . . .) knows that Pete Sweet is basically them. Pete loves his hair, Stitch doesn't like to be touched, they love each other . . . And don't worry, this isn't smut. There will be no vivid bumming! Just sexually frustrating and confusing moments, like usual.

Disclaimer: I own no pre-made characters. And once again, Noel, if you're reading this, pay no attention if I threaten to kidnap you. For the third time. Today.

Enjoy the show!

* * *

It wasn't a very ordinary day to begin with. Howard left me, _me, _in charge of the shop while he went out. He went to go after a girl or something. It never really lasts that long, because the few ladies he fancies usually turn out to be that Gregg guy.

Naboo and Bollo went out do smoke with the other shamans, thinking Howard was with me. He was pretty angry at Howard when he came back, but he was probably more angry at me, but for a good reason.

So I went like I always did, and took a sitting up nap, so my hair wasn't messed up, right? Well, I woke up to the sound of glass shattering. It was pretty cool, because I was dreaming I was jamming with Mick Jagger, and it was like the camera shattered at the pieces of glass fell away. But then I woke up.

I sprung up, looking around, stealthy, like a beautiful ninja, and I found what happened. The window's glass shattered, but at least it wasn't mime glass.

Just when I thought it was okay, though, I saw it. It was a baby carrier "Oh man," I whispered to myself, threw open the door to the shop, and grabbed the carrier. I shuffled through the glass, which wasn't a problem because of my awesome boots. I mean, really, these are my best boots yet. Remember go-go boots? Well, these are like that but-

Oh right, the baby carrier.

So, I put the carrier on the front desk, and I removed the blanket, and there were two tiny people in there! They were both squished in there, like a yin and yang. But the black one's face was getting rather red, so I brushed of the counter with one of Howard's shirts, and laid them down.

"Uh . . . hi. I'm Vince." I extended my hand, but laughed, putting it down. "No, only old people shake hands." I giggled a bit. "So can you guys talk yet?" They just looked up at me. "That's a no, alright. Uh, I'm not really sure what to do." I wiped my hands on my leather trousers.

They were both dressed in yellow, so it was impossible to tell what they were.

"Okay, don't freak out or whatever." I slipped one of the babies's trousers and absorbing baby pants off, and looked. "There's nothing down there, huh. Girl?" I did the same thing to the other, and he proved the other one was defiantly a girl.

I tied a pink ribbon around the girl's head, and a blue around the boy's.

"What is this?" I turned around to see Naboo and Bollo looking in through the broken glass. "Vince, what are you standing in front of?"

"I don't know."

"Vincent Noir, step away."

"Yes Mum," I muttered, stepping away.

"I've got a bad feeling about this . . ." Their eyes locked eyes with the twins.

"Howard's going to kill you Vince!" I quieted Naboo, waving him in. Bollo went to get a spare sheet of glass.

"No he's not!" I ran behind the counter, and cradled them. "They're mine now. I found them in front of the shop, and they came with that note that says they're for whoever finds them. They're mine. I'm going to be a wonderful mummy, and Howard will be their daddy."

"Did that single brain cell die?"

"No, in fact, he has some lovely children with his wife. Unfortunately she died, so he started to court his secretary, Vince, and she's pregnant. So that's like, one, two, three, four brain cells!" He nodded.

"Sounds about right." I nodded, hugging the babies again.

"So, okay, the boy's name is Michael Gary Philip Andrew Noir. Michael Mick Jagger's first name, Gary, Gary Newman's first name, Philip, Jagger's middle name, and Andrew, Newman's middle name."

"You've got to be joking."

"Nope." I grinned. "And this one, you see, is Eleanor Ruby Noir. See, Eleanor because of that transvestite that bummed Howard, and Ruby for a special . . . someone. You see, I thought we could call her a cutesy name, like Nell, or Nellie."

"Yeah, and when do you suppose to tell Howard you two are raising children together?"

"I don't know. When he asks why I'm buying regular milk instead of chocolate milk."

"Babies drink breast milk, Vince."

"Like . . ." I covered to babies's ears. "Milk from tits?"

"The chocolate milk you make me buy comes from cow tits!"

"From chocolate cows?" He just nodded. "What else?"

"You have to teach them to walk, and talk, and read, and write, and-"

"How do you know so much about babies?"

"I've been alive for four hundred fucking years!" I glared at him. "I've baby-sat a few times."

We watched Bollo install the new window, but it soon got tiring.

"Naboo, you watch Mike and Nell, I'm going to go shopping for them."

* * *

He should have known not to let me go alone. I came back with two cots, two changing tables, two of those little things where you stick their feet in and they can walk, two highchairs, more toys than I could count, baby food that I made sure wasn't disgusting, baby bottles and, get this, the things they put on top, which are called nipples, baby milk, diapers, and a pile of baby clothes at _least_ a metre high. I was so lucky too, because all of the things were from the Jean Claude Jackette baby line.

I set up the baby's room in the spare room, and before I knew it, it was midnight and Howard wasn't home yet.

"Howard! Where are you?"

"Vince, what are you doing ringing me at this hour?"

"Maybe it's because you're usually home by now! I'm just sitting here in my pants and a vest, lonely. Was the lady the Gregg guy again?"

"Who's that?"

"No one, dearest." My jaw fell open.

"Howard! Is that an actual woman?"

"Who is it Howard?"

"Howard," I persisted, "please say it's a woman, and not your wife." It got really quiet. "Howard? Are you still there?"

"Vince, I will tell you about it in the morning. Goodnight."

"Howard, this is like the first time in forever you haven't been here when I fall asleep! I'll miss you!"

"Vince, goodnight."

"Okay, just use protection so you don't get her pregnant!" I hung up. "Well you guys." I looked in their cribs. "Daddy won't be home until tomorrow." Nell gurgled, and I tucked her in, kissing both of their heads, and turned off the light.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Not so much romance now, but trust me, there will be blood. And by blood . . . I think you know what I mean.


	2. Will You Be My Husband?

Did you know that babies drink a lot? Naboo woke me up every two hours. I hardly slept at all! When I did my hair that morning, and it was horrible! My fringe _alone_ was barely cheeky.

"Howard, when are you going to be home?"

"Any moment now, Vince."

I grinned. "Great! Cheers Howard!" I hung up, and ran downstairs to the shop, where it looked normal. "Naboo," I shouted up the stairs, "keep the kids company!"

"Sure!"

I stood behind the counter for a while, until Howard came back. "Howard!" I ran over to him, and I almost hugged him. "I was so worried!"

"About _what_?"

"Mostly that that woman was Gregg and she kidnapped you again." He rolled his eyes.

"No, in fact, it was an old love interest of mine."

I thought. "Your mum?"

"No . . . Miss Gideon."

"No _way_! The reptile lady, from the Zooniverse?"

"Yes Sir!"

"Howard, that's amazing! How?"

He nodded, full of himself, and walked to the counter. "I am not sure of that myself."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, guess what. I've gotten us a present."

"What kind of present?"

"A really cool one." I lead him up the stairs, and stood him in front of the nursery door. "Okay, now, don't scream." I opened the door.

"What are you, pregnant?" I rolled my eyes. "I mean, I knew you were emotional about a week a month, but-"

"So now even you think I'm your lady-friend?" I laughed. "No, these are our children."

"_Our _children?"

"Oh, let me introduce you." I walked to the blue crib. "This lovely little guy is Michael Gary Philip Andrew."

"Vince, when you name something, you get attached to it."

"Well I legally adopted them, so I kind of have to." I snuggled him, laid him down, and went to pink crib. "And this is Eleanor Ruby."

"Ruby like that coconut you fancied?"

"Shut it around the children Howard." I kissed her head, and laid her down in her crib. "I call her Nell for short. I'll call Michael Mike, Mick, Gary, or Michael, I just can't decide."

"Why do they have clothes with the Royal Air Force roundels?"

"I'm the King of The Mods! Therefore, they will be the prince and princess of The Mods. When I die, the first one that will have been married will get the title. Unless, of course, they're married before I die, and I don't think their spouse is a good enough Mod, so the other one will get the title, and if I don't like their spouse, I'll hold auditions."

"Auditions?"

"Yeah, for the newest Mod."

He sighed, but looked back up. "Are those toddler mirrorball suits?"

"Yeah, I couldn't find any in their size. It's a shame really, Nell would have looked so cute in one."

"Okay, Vince, let's look at this logically. You want to raise a baby, and even worse, two babies? Alone?"

"No, of course not. I have Naboo, Bollo, and you!"

"Oh, count me out."

"Come on Howard, I need you!" He glared at me. "You remember what Lance Dior said, don't you? And what all of the men who think I'm a woman say? We're practically married!"

"I'm not gay, I don't want to marry a man!"

"Okay, number one, I thought when we were snogging on the roof, you fell in love with me, remember? You said I opened up a whole knew world of gaydom!"

"Once again, momentary lapse."

"Whatever. We wouldn't really be married, it's just like it would be before, except now Michael and Nell live with us."

"Vince . . . are you sure you can handle being a father?"

"Not at all. But I can be a wonderful mother."

"Really, a wonderful mother?" I nodded to him, sure of my self. "What about breastfeeding your children?"

"Shut up."

"Well, now that I look at you, I can see you as a mum." I smiled at him, picking up Nell. "I mean, the eye shadow the eyeliner, the mascara, the blush, the lipstick and lip-gloss, the jewelry, all of the glitter, the high heeled boots, the lack of ability to grow facial hair."

"Like you have facial hair!"

"What do you think this is?" He pointed to his upper lip.

"What's been used already? Coffee stain, caterpillar, the-"

"It is a moustache. Also known as facial hair."

"Gregg has more facial hair than you, Howard!"

"He's technically a man!"

"Why are you defending him Howard?" I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to restrain my laughter. "Did you bum him?"

"Unlike you, I don't know so many women I have to number them!" I laughed again, putting Nell down and tucking her in.

"You've bummed a merman with a mangina!"

"How do you assume I bummed him?"

"I don't know. You're still one of the least gay people I know, I don't think you would do him from the front."

"Vince-"

I laughed at him. "Howard, please." I smirked. "Will you be my husband and the father to my children?"

"Vince, that is the creepiest way you could _ever _put that."

"Fine. Would you please, in a completely straight way, be my heterosexual life partner and help me raise my children?"

He slapped me. "What's wrong?" He slapped me again. "Your hair's weird today. Not as cushioned."

"I know! That's why I need help in this, I can't do it alone!"

"Fine."

"Aww, thanks Howard!" I ran out into the loft. "Naboo, guess what."

"Did he propose?"

"Yep." I grinned cheekily.

"We're not married," Howard shouted from the babies's room.

"Howard, I'm hungry, can I have something to eat?" He walked out, and into the kitchen area.

"I haven't had a chance to go to the market this week, so we're a little low on some of the-" He looked up at Naboo, Bollo, and my smirking faces. "Oh, fuck you all."


	3. Baby Showers

"I know it's untraditional Mum, but you know, we didn't really have a pregnancy to have the baby shower during." I chatted with Howard's mother. She always felt close enough with me that she pretty much adopted me. I always called her Mum.

"Vincent Noir!" I rolled my eyes. I hated Mum using my last name. "Since when do you just pick up babies off of your doorstep?"

"Mum, please. These children mean a lot to me, and I would like you and Dad to meet your grandchildren!"

"Howard's father is out in France, visiting your uncle." She sighed. "I'll try to make it."

"Cheers Mum, this Saturday at our flat. Love you!" I hung up before she responded and called the next number.

"Howard?"

"No, uh, this is Vince, but don't hang up!"

"You have five minutes." I took a deep breath.

"Alright. Well, I have recently adopted boy girl twins, and we're throwing a baby shower for them."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Well, I thought you might enjoy it. You'll get out of black lake, and you won't have to wear a disguise to see Howard."

"I don't know . . ."

"Technically, Howard has taken over the role of being the father to the children. So, in a way, they're like they're your children too."

"Howard said our marriage wasn't legal."

"Howard says a lot of things, Gregg." I tried not to laugh. "I really want you there."

"What are their names?"

"The girl's name is Nell, and the boy's name is Michael." Gregg made a noise that sounded like he was happy. "The shower is this Saturday."

"Alright, I can be there."

"Alright!" I laughed. "Oh, but make sure you don't bring any Bailey's, because we don't want the kids exposed to anything like that at an early age."

"Oh, well of course not."

"Howard already has a history of addiction in his family, and you know, genes and such."

"Oh yeah, I know the feeling. My mother had the dryest seaweed, and she passed it down to me."

"Oh, well I could probably do something for you."

"You know what, I might just take you up on that offer, your hair is always so wonderful."

"Oh, thank you." I smiled. "Oh, well, I've got to go now, but I'll look forward to seeing you on Saturday. Cheers Gregg."

"Same to you Vince." I hung up, and dialled the next number.

* * *

On our sofa sat Mum, Naboo, and Bob Fossil. On the adjacent chair sat Old Gregg and Eleanor the transvestite. On the barstools sat Dennis, Rudi, and Miss Gideon. On the counter sat Harrison. With his elbows propped on the counter was Bollo. Howard was warming up some milk for Michael, and I was cuddling Nell while sitting on the coffee table. Kirk was playing with Michael. The Hitcher was setting up an aquarium to put his special breed of miniature eels he brought as a present. This was shaping out to be a wonderful shower.

Everyone was having their own little conversations.

Mum, Naboo, and Bob Fossil were talking about how proud they were of me.

Old Gregg and Eleanor had started to fancy each other, and were talking about how horrible Howard was, and how fantastic Gregg and Eleanor would be as a couple.

Dennis, Rudi, and Miss Gideon were talking about familiars, and how snakes could make good companions.

Harrison was chatting with Bollo.

Kirk was off in his own little world, but he was making Michael laugh, so we were fine even if he was stoned.

I laid down Nell in her carrier, stood up, and cleared my throat to get everyone's attention.

"Thank you all for coming to our late baby shower, the really means a lot to Howard and I." Everyone nodded, smiling at the babies. "Now, these babies came into our life as a surprise, but we couldn't be more happy to have them. Now, if everyone could have some cake over there on the counter," I looked over my shoulder to make sure Harrison hadn't bummed it. "Howard and I can open the presents." Howard and I made our way to the pile of presents, him sitting Michael in his lap, and Nell in mine.

"Well, your first present 's already up!" We looked over to the hitcher, and looked at the tiny eels in the tank. They were kind of adorable "And in that bag right under the telly are some Polos for the geezers." I grinned, opening the bag.

"Alright! Thanks Hitcher!" He did the 'Up Yours' sign, but I hugged him anyway. "Next present is from," I checked the tag, "Eleanor!" Howard opened up the bag.

"Bibs with . . . cleavage."

"Brilliant!" Eleanor blushed, waving me off.

"The next one is from Harrison."

I opened the horribly wrapped package, and looked at it confused. "What the hell is this?"

"That, my friend with the wonderful hair, are a thousand Beigomas." I looked at him with disbelief. "Japanese spinning tops."

"You got my babies a thousand spinning tops?" He looked at me nervously. "I love them!" I patted him on his head, or what I hoped was his head.

Other than that, we got some diapers, bum paste, and food from Mum; some potions and lotions from Naboo; some old toys from the gift shop at the Zooniverse from Bob Fossil; some water colours from Gregg; some traditional baby books from Dennis and his wife, who couldn't be there because of a shoot; some special robes from Rudi; some snake toys from Gideon, whose name I still hadn't learned; a contract stating that he would baby sit from dusk until dawn, but no more than six hours at a time from Bollo; and some cars and dolls from Kirk.

After everyone had gone home, Howard cleaned up while I bathed the twins.

The day before the shower, we had taken them to the doctors, to try to figure out who left them there. The thing was- They didn't have a birth certificate. The mother never went to the doctor while she was pregnant, and she had a home birth. So, technically, we didn't really adopt them, which practically killed me. But we registered them under their names we gave them, and adopted them, so they were mine, and no one could take them away.

Anyway, the point of that was to give a back-story about the point I'm about to say: they estimated they were about six months old, and Howard and I decided we would celebrate their birthday on the day I found them.


	4. Jealousy

"So . . . how are you?"

Gideon nodded. "I am good Vincent. And you?"

I nodded and we were silent for a while. Howard took the babies out to a jazz thing or something, and he wanted me and Gideon to bond.

"What's your name again?"

"Victoria . . ."

"No, I mean your last name."

"Gideon?"

I nodded. "Oh yeah!" _Smooth . . ._

She nodded. "Vince Noir, right?"

"Right." We sat still a bit longer. "So, you and Howard, huh?"

"Yeah, I think it's going well. We haven't done anything, you know, yet, but it's going . . . well."

"Wait, I thought Howard lost his virginity with you the night when I found the twins!"

"Howard's a virgin?"

I put my hand over my mouth. "Whoops."

"Oh my God! I didn't expect that, coming from a man like him."

I raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"No, I totally knew it."

We laughed a little bit, and I got up to pour her some tea. "Have you at least held his hand? Hugged him?"

"Yes and yes. Why?"

"How many sugars?"

"Two." I nodded, bringing her cup over. "Why do you ask me?"

"Well, at a party a while ago, after we left the zoo, we were playing spin the bottle, the bottle broke, Naboo said there was a demon that possesses a virgin, and he freaked out." She nodded. "So, long story short, I almost got killed by this guy, so to hide, I ran up to the roof. Well, Howard was there, because I ruined his birthday. So, we were sitting up there on the roof talking, and-" She hicupped.

"Excuse me." She took in a big breath, and waved me on.

"And as we were talking, he was saying how humiliated he was, and I said it wasn't bad he'd never gone beyond the kiss. Then I figured out he'd never kissed anyone, or even held hands with anyone. Later, I figured out he's never even touched any part of a woman that wasn't in his family, besides her hand. He tried to kiss a woman's hand one, and he passed out.

"So," I continued, "the guy who wanted to kill me came up to the roof, and accused me of getting intimate with his wife." She let her breath out, and she didn't hiccup for a while. "I told him that I couldn't be in love with his wife because I was in love with someone else. Guess who I said I was in love with."

"NO!"

"Yes!" I grinned. "But then he told us to prove it." Her mouth fell open. "So then, of course, I did what any sane man would do."

"You bummed him?" She smiled innocently at me.

"No . . ."

"Oh."

"You sound disappointed."

She shook her head. "No, no." She sighed. "What did you do?"

"Well, it's not as strange as what you came up with, but I snogged him. It's a little strange from my point of view, really, because he's one of my best mates, and he started to get into it." She grinned, innocently sipping her tea. "After we stopped, he declared that he was gay, and I had opened up a whole new kingdom of gaydom for him." She covered her mouth, and giggled. "But then he tried to kiss me again, and we fell off the roof into a bouncy castle. Then he saw a girl who I paid to flirt with him, and he got over me. So then, for some reason, I got all freaky jealous, and I have no idea why. I mean, I love Howard, he's my mate, but nothing more. Sure I swing both ways but . . . the moustache would be gross. All prickly." I looked down at Victoria, and she was biting her lip. "Oh my God, this is doing something for you, isn't it?" She nodded. "That's weird."

"I know." I laughed a bit. "And for future reference, it's like I'm being swallowed by that panda at the zoo."

"Oh yeah, I wonder how she's doing . . ."

"She had kids, you know. I'm still in the reptile house, but I visit the pandas all the time."

"I miss her. She was so soft . . ."

"It's a little boy, and it's name is Bao Bao, because we were pretty sure it had to be Chinese. But everyone calls the little guy Vince."

"That's so sweet!"

"Well, he would not have been born if you hadn't been able to seduce the mother."

"Yeah . . ." I grinned, thinking of the Zooniverse.

* * *

"I'm back!" I leapt over the counter, fell on the floor, got up, and got the babies.

"Oh, Mummy's here, don't fret. I'll never leave you alone with Daddy again, don't worry." I stood up, with a baby in each arm. "If my babies grow up to scat, I'll never forgive you." Howard rolled his eyes, and I went upstairs to play some actual good music. "This was Mummy's first hint at fame, but Daddy blew it when he let a man stick a Hoover up his bum."

I pressed play, and Electo Boy shot out. The babies giggled, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I ran down the stairs. "Alright, they still like electro." He snorted. "I'm serious Howard, you worried me!"

He rolled his eyes. "Really, I worried you by taking our children to something we can enjoy together?"

I sighed, starting to pace. "Howard, I'm allergic to jazz! What if they inherited that from me? That Kenny guy could have started to play, and they could have swelled up like a balloon!"

"You realize the twins have no actual genetic relation to you, right?"

I gasped. "Take that back!"

"Vince, you have a penis!"

"As far as you know!" A few people were at the shop's door, watching.

"I have a penis! It just can't work!"

"That's not true! When we did the stage show, you put Gregg in your mother-fucking wheelbarrow and said you had a sheenis!"

"Yes, and I also said we would make love! That didn't happen!"

"I know, I was talking to your girlfriend, and she said you were still a virgin and she thought she was kissing our panda, but her fur was softer!"

He gasped. "Take . . . that . . . back."

"We even talked about having a threesome! Her, the panda and I!"

He glared at me. "You are a sick, slimy, pathetic, disgusting, drunk, flamboyant, fat, little bastard that smells of Twix!"

I gasped.

"I'm not fat!" I stormed up the stairs and into Naboo's room. "Naboo, I need your opinion." He nodded, sitting up.

"Hurry. I'm looking at my ceiling and finding shapes."

I nodded. "Am I fat?" I lifted my shirt up, and turned around.

"Not really. Why do you ask?"

"Howard called me fat." He sighed, and pointed to the lounge thing that he had in the camel at the zoo.

"Sit down." I nodded, lying down. "Now, what's been troubling you?"

"A lot. It's really hard being a parent." He nodded, writing something down. "And Howard with his girlfriend a lot. I feel that he's not paying enough attention to our family."

"You can really only expect him to, can't you? He's in a new relationship!"

"But he's known me for a lot longer, and we have kids together . . ." I sighed.

"He's in a romantic relationship with Miss Gideon."

"He's _practically_ in a romantic relationship with me!"

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, he's been in love with me before. And he's been my wife, and I've been his wife, and he should just spend more time with me!"

"Would you _like _to be in a romantic relationship with Howard?"

I raised an eyebrow. "No!" I thought about it for a while. "I don't know. I don't think so."

"And do you think this is jealously over Miss Gideon?"

"Damn right it is!"

"Alright, I have figured out what is wrong with you."

I smiled, sitting up. "Thanks."

"I think you fancy Howard."


	5. The Contest

After Naboo claimed that I fancied Howard, I pouted in my room. I changed into a kimono, washed my hair, and pouted some more. Naboo was probably taking care of the children, but they were the second thing on my mind.

I didn't fancy Howard! . . . or did I? And I know I'm a terrible parent for putting myself first, but it was really freaking me out.

I pouted trough the entire day, missing the remaining two meals.

"Vince?" Howard knocked on my door.

"I don't want to see you!"

"Vince, Naboo told me everything."

My eyes narrowed. "What did he tell you, exactly?"

"That you felt like you had put on weight from stress of raising the kids, so you will a little self concious. And you were right, I should help with the kids a bit more. So, in return, I'm going to take care of the kids for a while."

"Thanks Howard but I really-"

"Vince, I need you to open the door right now."

"Why?"

"I just need you to do it." I couldn't figure out his tone. It was a bit mischievous, but formal, and he sounded very passionate, and a bit silly.

"If you're naked . . ." I paused at the door. What _would _I do if he was naked?

"Vince, please just open the door."

"Fine, I'll open the door, but don't take it as an apology, because I'll never forgive you. And it's not like at your party when I said I'd never love again, either, because-" I squealed. "Oh my God it's a _puppy_!"I grabbed the doggy and squirmed around with it for a little while.

I put the dog down on my bed, and it was shaking from excitement. It was a long haired chihuahua, black and white, with its ears and tail black. I murmured to it, and scratched it.

"That is Suki."

"Suki?"

"It is a Japanese name meaning 'beautiful'. It's a girl."

"Suki!" I laid down, and she ran on top of me, licking my face. "Hello, hello, hello hello hello!" I got her off, stood up, and wrapped Howard in a massive hug. "Thanks Howard!" I grinned, sitting to play with Suki again.

"You guys have fun."

I nodded, never taking my eyes away from her's. I heard the door close, waited ten seconds, and heard him walk away. Just in case, I whispered. "It's been a while, so I'm a bit rusty." I took a deep breath. "So, uh, I'm Vince, that man was Howard. You'll be living here from now on."

"Cool. Who was that hippie?"

"Oh, that was Naboo. The big furry guy's Bollo."

"You mean the gorilla?"

I nodded. "Okay, so, I don't want this to sound like I'm a little girl, but did he say anything about me?"

"Oh, you guys are gay?"

"No. Well, kind of. I mean . . . not together. I don't know about him, but I don't really care."

"Seme or uke?"

"That's a bit personal Suki, don't you think?"

Her doggy eyes narrowed at me, and if she had eyebrows, they would be raised. "Vince."

"Uke."

She laughed a doggy laugh. "Nice."

"Did he say anything about me?"

"He was saying how happy you would be when I got back here."

"Anything else?"

"Not really. Now I've got a question for you."

"I can't do your hair, because I don't want to test my products on animals."

"No. You fancy the Howard guy, don't you?"

"God, why does everyone say that?"

"Look, I've known you for, literally, five minutes. But if one of your friends who's known you for a long time, and knows when something's up, says something about you, then it's probably true."

"Whatever."

"Vince. Look me in the eyes." I did as she said. "So you don't like Howard."

"No, of course I like him, but as a mate."

"What do you like about him?"

"Well, even though he's really boring, he's fun to be around. He's always there for me. He's really sweet, too." I thought about it. "He has pretty eyes. Not as pretty as mine, but they're pretty." I grinned. "He's a heavy sleeper, so he doesn't notice when I trim his hair, or when I have a bad dream and get in bed with him. Actually, now that I think about it, he does sometimes. I think. If he does, he pretends like he's asleep, but sometimes I think he watches me. He saved me from death by jazz. He got me you when I was upset with him. And, technically, if I'm in love with him, and I said I would never love again and then I saw that chick, and I was over it, I dismissed it as a momentary lapse like he did, then if I'm in love with him, he's still a massive gay, and is in love with me. Plus he's a _really_ good kisser."

* * *

Gideon, Bob, Howard and I sat in a pub, not really talking. We were waiting for Naboo, who was late, like usual.

Howard was chatting quietly with Gideon, Bob was off chatting drunkenly to people, and I was sketching a girl who came up to me when I pulled my pad out. She was American, and we could hardly understand her. It was hilarious, because she couldn't understand us either.

Finally, after I had sketched her five times, Naboo came in.

"Sorry I'm late guys, Bollo kind of walked in on me having a date with Rosie Palms, if you know what I mean."

"No," said Gideon, and we all averted our eyes. "What does it mean?"

"The big monkey walked in on him masturbating." Gideon nodded. "Really Naboo, how many times has this happened?"

"A lot." I laughed a bit.

"How do you even do it, Naboo?"

"It's not easy, Howard. But I've found a way."

The American sighed. "I don't see why guys have to do that so much! Girls, like, never have to do it."

"Have you seen Seinfield?" She nodded "The Contest?"

"Yes, it's a need." She rolled her eyes, and turned. "Alright, how about this. Do you guys mind if I preform an experiment? I'm a psychology major." We nodded, sipping our drinks. "How about this fun little group of people have _The Contest_?"

"I'm fine with it."

"We have the artist with the good hair."

"I'm in."

"If she's in, unfortunately, so am I."

"I'll beat all of you!"

"Naboo, you masturbate every day!" He shrugged.

"So all of you are in?" We nodded. "Is the fat one in?"

"BOB!" He ran over. "Can I borrow some money?"

He threw his wallet at me. "Sure."

"He's in." Howard, Naboo and I put our money in, I put Bob's in, and Gideon put her's in.

"Alright. Starting now, you can not masturbate." We shook her hand, and she started typing on her phone. "Oh, and the couple can't do the nasty."

"Please, Howard's a virgin!" The girl laughed a bit.

* * *

It was two in the morning before we crawled home. We allowed Eileen, who we learned was homeless, living in her car, to sleep on our couch to observe us, but really, we just felt sorry for her.

"Good morning." She groaned, but laughed when she saw me. "Shut up. I look better than you do."

"You're wearing a kimono."

"What? This is, probably, the manliest one I have."

"Okay, your manliest kimono is red with pink flowers and purple birds?" I nodded in reply. "And you have more than one kimono?"

"I have a closet _just _of kimonos."

"And you were only supposed to put the guy value in the pile, right?"

"Yes, I am a man." She giggled a bit.

"What do you have to drink?"

"Uh, coffee, tea, orange juice, formula, water, chocolate milk, and melted Nutella."

"I'll take some coffee." I made her some coffee, and made the formula for the kids.

"Now could you watch the kids for a moment? I have to run down to Topshop." I grinned, nodding to her.


	6. Pieface Records is Down!

Eileen gasped when I showed her what I bought, and then explained why.

"What the fuck is that?"

"I believe this is the Linear Lace Balcony Bra, and matching . . . Ladypants."

"Are you out of your mind?"

"No, because, I have also I hired a guy to wear-" I pulled it out. "This Flame Leopard Harness Body." I grinned, proud of myself.

"That doesn't explain why you're not crazy!"

"See, Gideon has this kink, so when I told her Howard and I made out . . ."

"Ahh, okay, so you've pretty much hired a hooker?"

"Pretty much." I finished getting dressed. "Okay, shield the kid's eyes!" I walked out in a set of matching heels.

"You buy those too?"

"No, I had them." I walked flawlessly over to her, and she pulled her phone out of her bag.

"Day One: Vince has already started to knock the female out, by dressing up as a woman and hiring a prostitute. Currently, he walks in heels better than I do, which lead me to think he has done this before."

"Yep."

"We have a verbal conformation from Vince. Shall we check on our other contestants?" She walked out of the room, screamed, and walked back in, with what I could only presume was Naboo's share.

"Naboo?"

She nodded, stunned. "How did he even . . . it's smooth . . . it came out and . . ." She shuttered.

I fed the kids, but soon, the prostitute arrived, and I dressed him up. "This is ridiculous."

"Just be glad you get to spend a day without someone bumming you." We watched the television for a while, until Gideon got here.

"Vince!" Her mouth fell open.

"Oh, hey Gideon."

Eileen rolled her eyes.

"Who is this?"

"Oh, this is my boyfriend."

Her eyes widened. "Oh yeah? Prove it." I shrugged, bent over, and made out with the guy. "Fuck you." She threw the money at me, and stormed out. I broke away form the guy, paid him, and sent him on my way.

"That was utterly . . ." I looked at Eileen. "Amazing." I laughed. "What size is that bra?"

"I don't know, small?"

"I have scrambled eggs. I want that when you're done with them."

I rolled my eyes, going to get changed.

* * *

It got more awkward than I thought it would be, when it was just Howard and I. I had told Eileen about the whole me fancying him thing, which she agreed with, so she and Naboo were trying to make it even more awkward. Which is funny, because she was living in our flat for free.

Eileen sat beside me at the restaurant we were eating at, and kept playing footsie with Howard, and blaming it on me. I don't think he believed it, but it was still embarrassing. But the worst part was, in the middle of dinner, I got a phone call. I walked outside.

"Vince Noir, at your service."

"Vincey!"

"Leo! How the _hell_ are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good!" I laughed a little bit. Leo was our old manager, for when we were trying the comedy, and the music.

"So what's up?"

"Well, I don't know what's up, but PieFace Records is down."

"What?"

"They want to sign you and the old one!"

"What? Why?"

"They have had an abnormal amount of requests on the radio for 'I Did A Shit on Your Mum' lately. It seems you two have become pretty popular on the internet."

"Oh my God, that's amazing! What songs?"

"What?"

"What songs are popular?"

"Oh, well, I Did A Shit, Love Games, uh, well, I don't know, but there's a lot of crimps. It seems to be becoming the new thing again."

"That's brilliant! I'll go tell Howard! Cheers Leo." I hung up, ran back in, told everyone, and we went home, so we could start working on new material.

* * *

"I can't believe it!" I was bouncing up and down in the air-plane seat. Beside me was Eileen, who I hired as my full-time nanny, and was holding the twins, in front of me was Howard, and beside him was our manager. Naboo and Bollo decided to hang back for the first tour. Oh, did I not mention that? A world _wide _tour. That's right.

Anyway, Naboo and Bollo decided to stay at the Nabootique with Gideon.

That was good though, one less person annoying me about Howard. I didn't like her doing it either, because even if I did fancy Howard, he has a girlfriend.

"Neither can I." She cuddled the twins, which were three now, but they didn't like being away.

"We're actually doing this, aren't we?"

"Yeah . . ." I exchanged a fearful look with her. "Next stop . . ."

"America." She smiled at me, nodding.


	7. Goodnight New York!

**Author's Note: **Sorry, I don't mean to annoy you guys, but have you seen the Julian Barratt video that was posted a few days ago, where he's eating chips on what looks like a beach?

If you haven't, he said on the subject of the Mighty Boosh being finished: "Never say never. You never know. Things are happening, things are brewing."

Yep. This is our fandom. Fuck Dr. Who's fiftieth episode, things are brewing for the Boosh! (We're _slightly_ pathetic, aren't we?) Well, Noel's much more attractive than the current Doctor, and slightly more than that weaselly looking Scottish bloke. Oops, I mean David Tennant. (Look what wasn't removed from the DVD!)

So we win.

* * *

New York was brilliant! We stayed at this hotel, and it was amazing. It had a spa, and a pool, and loads of shopping. But most importantly, we were in America. And I think we all know the rule: "You can fuck your mates on foreign land." It's rule number one in the book. First established in the television show of Friends, it has provided many loopholes, and started many relationships. It's kind of funny too, they went from New York to London, we went backwards. So it's even more in my favour than I first thought.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. 'I thought you didn't fancy Howard!' Well, Eileen finally dug deep enough in my brain so I would admit it to myself, and now that I have, I feel so much better. I don't know why either, I just feel like I could fly.

Not that I would, though, with the twins pulling me in two different directions. Nell actually walked on stage once, when we were doing an experimental piece very much based off of Ben Fold's Gracie Girl, before Eileen ran on the stage, almost fainted, and dragged Nell off. We couldn't take the rest of the gig seriously after that, and no one else did.

Eileen was very excited, because, while we were in America, we were going to a location near her home town, and she was going to make us go, to prove to her parents she amounted to something.

Yes, going on tour taking care of rock-star's children, and giving the gay one relationship counselling. Mum will be thrilled.

Howard went out with the kids to see a Broadway play or something, while Eileen and I sat back at the room. You see, we had a two bedroom suite, and Howard had a one bedroom suite. I fed Suki, and sat down on the sofa.

"It's not that bad, I guess. I guess it could be cute, in a way."

I glared at her. "We weren't even talking about that."

"Yeah I know, but that's what I'm thinking about. And trust me, it's dirty." She giggled a bit.

"Like what?" I got more and more frightened as she described it. "You can probably put that shit on-line. People look at that stuff."

"No way."

"Yeah, lemme see your phone." I Googled 'Vince Noir and Howard Moon slash fiction', and gave it back to her. She read through a couple of them.

"Those were my ideas first!"

"No they weren't!"

"I'm _pretty_ sure they were."

"No honey, that's just how two men have sex."

"I don't think so."

I sighed, turning towards her, and grabbing a pad of paper. "Yes, it is." I drew two stick people. "Now, when two men love each other very much, they fuck each other, which means the daddy puts his cock in the other daddy's ass hole."

She laughed as I illustrated it. "Alright, no more, I don't want to get in . . ." She pointed to my head. "There." I grinned cheekily.

"Yeah, you really don't."

She giggled. "So how do you think it's going with you two?"

"I don't know. Sometimes it's going perfectly, and we _could_ kiss, but he moves away quickly."

"Do you notice the colour he turns?"

"Of course, I notice everything about him." She smiled. "It ranges, really. Depends on how far apart we were, and for how long. I've seen it salmon, terracotta, French rose, Alizarin crimson, cerise, amaranth, and I think the worst I've seen it get is pomegranate. The pomegranate is the most beautiful, yet frightening."

"I understood none of those words."

"Pink to red."

"Thanks." She smiled at me, and I rolled my eyes. "You know what this means, right? If he were just weirded out, he wouldn't blush."

"He did say once he took the leap across the physical boundary, it would be forever."

"You were his first kiss."

"But I don't think that counts."

"Let's analyse the kiss."

I nodded, thinking harder than I had ever thought before. "Alright. Well, I was sick that day, so it was closed mouth on my part. But maybe because it was his first kiss, I don't know, but he was trying to fucking tongue me or something."

"Did he know you were sick?"

"I assume."

"So, even though he knew you were sick, he tried to tongue you, completely risking his own health?"

"Yeah?"

"Vince, I've only known him for three years, you've known him since kindergarten. Does he _like_ to get sick?"

"No. He hates it." It took about five second for me to realize what she meant.

* * *

"Howard?" I knocked on his door. "I've had a nightmare. Can I come in?"

"It's open." I padded in, trying to make my footsteps quiet. "What did you dream about, Vince?" He propped himself up.

"It was about the twins. If they were raised in the jungle, like I was, but they were really my siblings, so I was raising my siblings, and Mummy was a slut."

"Vince, your mother isn't a slut."

"How do you know? We haven't met her!"

"The Duke always talks fondly of your mother, Vince." I nodded. "Can you sleep in your own bed?"

"No, it's too scary." He sighed, lifting the covers. I crawled in, and cuddled up to him, like I used to when I had a nightmare. "Howard?" I sounded like a five year old, and I kicked myself mentally. "Was I really your first kiss?"

"Yes."

"Why hadn't you kissed anyone before?"

"I don't know. The chance never really came up."

We were silent for about an hour, neither of us sleeping.

"They didn't steal my face."

"What?"

"The monkeys. They didn't steal my face."

"_What_?"

"When I still lived with Bryan Ferry, and the monkeys wanted to steal my face. I made Bryan come home early. That tale I told you when we were bringing Ivan to the animal zoo."

"That old story from the Zooniverse?"

"Yeah. I told you how I finally it's finished." He laughed lightly at me. "Howard?" I grimaced. I sounded so needy...

"Yes?"

"Why do we crimp?"

"I don't know, we were bored one night, and we just started-"

"No, why do we crimp in front of people? It used to just be our thing. You're the only one that I can be silly with. That I can be myself with. I put myself out there on display, craving attention and admiration, and the crimps were the only things I had left that were just me and you, and no one else. I'm not glamorous, Howard! I'm just a needy little boy who likes to satusuma fight with you. Or are we going to strip down to our pants and vests and satsuma fight on stage too?"

"Vince . . . crimping has become a major part of our career."

"But I-"

"How about we make up a few crimps, just for us?" I smiled, nodding.

"I'd like that." I hesitated a bit, but I hugged his ribcage and kissed him on the cheek. "Sweet dreams."

"Sweet dreams." I used his shoulder as a pillow, and while he thought I was asleep, he started playing with my hair, and humming something. I wanted to cry at how perfect the moment was, at how close his lips were, but how I could never reach them.


	8. Goodnight Chicago!

We did loads of other shows, but I think I'll only put in a few of them. I mean, that's more than a hundred, in America alone.

After our super sweet moment in New York, our next one came in Chicago, after we had just been bought a few rounds of drinks by some local women.

So, we went back to the hotel, with our groupies, and played some party games. Can you believe it? Fucking groupies . . . literally. Well, not literally, but we tongued most of them, and saw all of their breasts.

Anyway, we were playing truth or dare. I had just spun, and I landed on Eileen. "Alright . . . do a strip tease while singing 'You Can Leave Your Hat On'. Your own rendition."

She giggled, took off my hat, and put it on her head. She cleared her throat, and started to sing. "Baby take off your coat, real slow. Take off your shoes, I'll take off your shoes." She kicked her stilettos off. "Baby take off your dress. Yes, yes, yes!" She giggled, pulling it up over her head. "You can leave your hat on. You can leave your hat on. You can leave your hat o-on.

"Go over there, turn on the light. Hey, all the lights! Come over here, stand on that chair." She jumped up onto a dining chair. "Yeah, that's right. Raise your arms up in the air, now shake 'em!" She did, and we cheered. "You give me reason to live, you give me reason to live, you give me reason to live . . . you give me reason to live for." She giggled. "Sweet darling-"

"You can leave your hat on!"

She winked at me. "You can leave your hat o-on. Baby-"

"You can leave your hat on!" She laughed at the other groupies, who had joined in with my shouting.

"You can leave your hat on."

"You can leave your hat on!" She hummed. "You can leave your hat on!"

"Suspicious minds are . . . talkin'. They're tryin' to tear us apart. They don't believe in this love of mine . . . they don't know what love _is_! They don't know what love is, they don't know what love is, they don't know what love is." She paused. "Yeah, I know what love is!" She squeaked. "There ain't no way!"

"You can leave your hat on!"

"You can leave your hat o-on."

"You can leave your hat on!"

"Give me the reason to live!"

"You can leave your hat on!"

"You can leave your hat oo-on . . ." We cheered so loud we probably woke up the entire city. She tossed the hat over to me, and got redressed. "So, it's my turn to spin?"

_No one_ was thinking clearly after that. It landed on a groupie. "Truth."

"Why are you a groupie for these idiots?"

"Vince is hot." I kissed the girl on her cheek. She spun, and it landed on another groupie.

"Dare."

"Get naked and stay that way for five rounds." She did, and spun.

It landed on Howard. _Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay._ I wasn't okay.

"Oh, dear," he muttered.

"Come on Howard, don't be a wimp! Dare!" He glowered at me.

"Dare."

"Make out with Vince for one minute." I glared at the groupie.

I looked to Howard, shrugged, and he did too.

The kiss was even better than the one on the roof-top. Very soft, but full of fire. Even better, _he _induced this one.

What Eileen and I did after Howard had gone to take the twins to the park next day redefined the word 'sequel'. In retrospect, we could have overreacted, but we honestly didn't care.

For one, he kissed me. Two, there was definite tongue. Three, we kissed even after a couple of the groupies cleared their throats, and that's like thirty seconds. Four, it was even better than the one on the roof, and he was the one who said when he takes the leap across the physical boundary, it would be forever. Well, I was the one he went over the boundary with, so technically, it's me forever, and the passion just proved it.

At least that's how our drunk minds worked it out at six in the morning. Whatever it was, it was amazing.


	9. Goodnight LA!

Author's Note: If you can't pronounce the names, Sah-kuu-ra-ko and A-key-co.

* * *

Nothing much happened in the other cities. But in this city, two of the most beautiful, and most dangerous, femme fatales came into our life.

One of our groupies had, without us knowing, stole some of my pants. We wouldn't have even noticed . . . until Sakurako came into our life. Sakurako was the older sister of the groupie, Akiko.

When Eileen looked out the peep-hole, she gasped, beckoned me over, and I, rather involuntarily, started salivating.

Black hair, the palest skin I had ever seen, giant eyes, long black hair in a hime cut, and pink lips that could only be compared to cherry blossoms.

She knocked again, clearly impatient. I shooed Eileen away, and opened the door.

"Yes?"

"Are you a member of the Mighty Boosh?"

"Onee-chan!" The smaller one squeaked.

"Yes, why?"

"I believe my sister has something to return to you."

The little one stuck her hand out, and a pair of my pants were inside.

"How'd you get these?"

"I stole them from your hotel room."

"How'd you get in?"

She giggled. "Silly! I'm a professional groupie."

The older one rolled her eyes in disgust.

I took the pants back. "You _can't_ be more than ten!"

"No, I'm eighteen."

"Well, thank you for-" She screamed, and ran past me. "Come in." The older one laughed a little. I was cracking through her shell. I always managed to. No matter how hard the person was, I could make them smile.

"I'm Sakurako, that's Akiko." She looked over my shoulder. "She saw your kids, and she, for some reason, is crazy about them."

"Well, my mate Howard is about to take them to the park with our nanny, maybe she'd like to go? I can fix you some tea."

"Sure?" She giggled, and yelled at her sister in Japanese.

After about fifteen minutes, it was just me and Sakurako.

"So is that your sister?"

"Yes, unfortunately."

I smiled at her comment. "And, correct me if I'm wrong, she said she was a professional groupie?"

She nodded. "Yeah, she considers herself one." Sakurako rolled her eyes.

"I can see you don't agree with her."

"Not at all. She never had to go through training."

"Training?"

"Yes, training. Geisha training."

"You're a geisha? I thought they were supposed to be all dressed up."

"Not really." She smiled. "And we're not prostitutes either." She peered at me from under her lashes.

"You know, our next tour is in Japan. We'd love to have a professional tour of one of the cities."

"I'll think about it. If Akiko doesn't kidnap your children first." We both laughed. "If you don't mind my asking, where's the mother?"

"My mate Howard and I adopted them." She nodded.

"So you guys are like . . ."

"I have no idea, honestly." I told her the entire story.

"Poor baby." She laughed.

* * *

As the week went by, we had a group meeting, and decided to adopt the girls. We were the five man band. I was the leader, Howard was the lancer, Akiko was the team pet, Eileen was the smart one, and Sakurako . . . no one knew what she was.

We had no idea what was so charming about Sakurako. In Eileen's words: "I'm straight, and I would fuck her as soon as I had the chance. I think she's a nymph." I didn't agree with that last part, but there was a certain thing about her.

I was still, of course, head over heels in love with Howard.

Eileen, even with her strange girl crush, was thrilled to have other girls to scheme with.

"Alright." Eileen paced back and forth. "We need to get this," she pointed to a crudely drawn Howard on a white board, "into this." She pointed to me, making me laugh. "Sakurako, you have prepared a list of issues?"

She nodded.

"Howard had to fondle a transvestite's testicles, so he might be reluctant." I rolled my eyes. "Howard is dating a woman." Eileen gasped.

"Oh my God, I forgot about Gideon!"

"How?"

"I don't know!" She paced even more.

"Eileen, Sakurako, Akiko, I love you all, but really, why do you care about this?" They thought.

"We have _nothing_ better to do."

"And it seems like you two would be happy together. You two are like soul mates."

"Really," Sakurako joined her sister. "I mean, people who belong together are just walking around, lost, and sad, and small. It's sad too, cause you can't do anything, it doesn't work that way. We all have soul-mates, but we just walk past them on the street."

"Thank you, Ben Folds."

Sakurako smirked, hugging her legs.

"I'm just saying." Eileen sighed, and grabbed one of my hands. Like it was a completely normal girl thing, Sakurako took my other hand, and Akiko draped herself over my shoulder, and hugged me around the neck.

"Do you really love Howard?" I sighed.

"Yes, I really do."

"Then we will help you with this."

"How?"

"Through a simple process of confusion, manipulation, and a little city called Viva Las Vegas." I raised my eyebrows.

"This isn't going to work out well." They all kissed my cheeks, and I groaned.


	10. Goodnight Las Vegas!

They devised a plan to take full advantage of the city. After about a week of planning, they came up with the perfect plan that I had suggested from moment one: We just get him pissed. Best plan. A week, and they came up with _that._

It worked out pretty well, though, because of the month we were in Vegas, he came back pissed almost every night, and, somehow, half the time he came back with women!

Yeah, Howard was becoming quite the womaniser. Maybe it was the city, or maybe he had finally hit puberty.

You know, one time, he even came home with "Lola". It's happened to the best of us, but it's _Howard_! We had to grab him quickly and explain that when he lifts up her skirt, he's going to be glad he's a man and so is Lola. _Lo-lo-lo-la-Lola._

Anyway, we discovered that he's fine cheating on Gideon, which works out well on my part.

We had the meetings more and more, and they couldn't come up with a lot. I, of course, did the most, and drew not only Plan Ponies, but ducks, cows, sheep, cats, dogs, and various other farm animals.

Finally, on the last night we were there, Sakurako took me down to the casino. "Excuse me, sir?" Sakurako fluttered her lashes at the dealer. "What's this game?"

"Blackjack."

"And that's the one that adds up to twenty, right?"

"Twenty one, ma'am. Would you like to play?"

"Sure!"

I rolled my eyes as she sat down.

"Do you know how to play?"

She shook her head, bringing his eyes down to her cleavage. "No, I'm new here." After about an hour, we were a lot richer. "Well, thanks, that was fun!" She giggled. "Beginners luck, I guess!" She dragged me away. "And _that's_ how you get money." She dragged me to another table.

"Come on, Vince! You'd be amazed at how fun this is!" She dragged me all around, until we ended up at the club _Pure_.

All she had to do was say who I was and we were let in. Man, America's fucking awesome.

In the club, while I danced, drank, and took photos with people, I also found a lot of people I wanted to take pictures with. Four words- Sharon. Needles. Alaska. Thunderfuck. SHARON FUCKING NEEDLES! And ALASKA FUCKING THUNDERFUCK!

Okay, so there I was, ordering an Absolut Mango Majito Cocktail, and Sakurako pulls on my shirt. So I turn, and there are they, our of drag, in the club. I almost passed out. So, then we invited them to our table, and they said yes, and it took all of my effort not to jump up and down like a little girl.

Aaron (Sharon), and Justin (Alaska), were fucking _awesome_. I'll be referring to their drag names, because they were in girl mode.

They even suggested, which was probably a joke because Howard would die, that we should tour together. She could come out of a coffin as a futuristic sailor. Ah, sorry, I'm rambling, but this is possibly the third greatest moment of my life.

"So," Sakurako took a sip out of her drink. "Any tips on being gay?" I almost spit out my drink.

"Sakurako!"

"I don't know the etiquette in America!"

"Well I'm sure you don't do that in Japan!"

"I'm just trying to help you! If you can't tell, I'm horrible at picking up men!" I turned back to Aaron and Justin.

"I'm very sorry." I finished my drink, then chugged Sakurako's.

"Hey!"

They just smirked. "Boy troubles?"

"If that's what you want to call it." Sakurako giggled as I glarred at her. "You guys listed to their music?"

"No."

Alaska glared playfully at Sharon. "Of course!"

"It's Howard." Everyone in our booth giggled, and I groaned.

"Really? The one that looks like your father?"

"I know," squealed Sakurako.

"He's a good kisser." I smirked to them.

Alaska gasped. "How many times did you kiss your dad?"

I laughed. "Two, I think."

Sakurako nodded. "Two times, that he's told me of. Once to save his life, and then Howard fell in love with him-"

"He fell in love with you! ?"

"Not really, he falls for anyone who gives him the slightest bit of attention, and then when I made out with him, and I was his first kiss, so he fell for me. And the second kiss was in a game of truth or dare."

"You know, people don't forget their first kiss. He's probably thinking about you right now."

"I doubt it. He's in a relationship, and he brings someone new to the hotel every night. Never gets more than making out before he passes out, and it's kind of funny."

"Relationship?"

"With a girl."

"Ooh." We were silent for a little while.

"So is this club a haunted house Sharon?" He stared a death glare at me. "See, I'm not sure what to think about this. I really want to curl up and die, but I'm really excited because it's _you _trying to shoot fire out of your eyes." She still stared at me, and I got twitchy. "Alaska make her stop!" Sharon rolled her eyes. "You don't actually do that when you go into clubs? Knock out the bouncer?"

"How do you think we got in here?"

I laughed a bit. "Not really . . . right?"

She just smirked.

We chatted the rest of the night away, until it was finally time to leave.

"Seriously, you guys have to come to one of our shows!"

"I don't even know what you guys do."

"Neither do Howard and I, most of the time. But it's always amazing!" I leaned over to Justin. "Hey, just between you and me . . . did Jinkx and Ivy ever bum? That you know of?"

"Ivy had a boyfriend. Jinkx was surprised as everyone that they actually showed that. But you know, she's the queen. They had to et something against her I guess. They only used footage of Roxxy when she was a bitch to Jinkx, and I'm a nudist. Everyone has faults." We hugged. "Biiiieeee!"

* * *

Author's Note: May the best woman_ BEST WOMAN_ WI-I-IN! Bitch, I'm _fabulous_. Yeah, as you can tell, I was watching a marathon of Rupaul's Drag Race. I was team Alyssa Edwards (BACKROLLS?) slash team Jinkx Monsoon (it's Monsoon Season bitches!) all the way. I voted for Alyssa Edward's drag daughter, Laganja Estranja, for series six. Girl, she can werk it. Check her YouTube channel, she is _flexible_.

And I think I should state that I am an American teenage girl, who doesn't define as straight/gay, and would be fine with my Origin of Love being a boy or a girl, like in Hedwig or Plato's Symposium. I just want to clarify that, because when I go on a RuPaul kick, most people are shocked to find out that I am not a gay male.

Oh, and I'm a giant Needles fan-girl. :3


	11. Goodnight Japan!

Sharon doesn't return my emails, but sometime Alaska will chat with me. Let's just face it, Sharon Needles and Alaska Thunderfuck won't tour with the Boosh. But it would be fucking awesome if they did.

Anyway, the first city we went to in Japan was Tokyo, where Akiko lived for about a year, so she gave us a small tour.

Tokyo should replace Paris as The City Of Lights. We walked out of a karaoke place, and I was almost knocked down by the light. We stayed mostly in the hotel in Tokyo, though, because it was amazing. So, get this, there was an arcade . . . on the property. Yeah, Japan's that cool.

But that's not why I'm telling you guys about Tokyo. No, Tokyo was the start of a three month long era that should be included in _all _textbooks.

Tokyo was where I first started the _cycle_. I have named this the "Some Call It A Hang-Over, I Call It A Morning" cycle, after dear old Sharon who won't email me back.

I would crawl out to the nearest place that served alcohol, drink until Sakurako had to come get me, sleep, do the show, power nap, and then repeat cycle. I pretty much just gave up on life. I never did any drugs or anything, just drank.

Kyoto is where it got a bit better. We actually didn't stay in a hotel, but in Sakurako and Akiko's parent's city house. It was very nice, not too far away from the city, but not too close. I was still drinking more than anything.

Everyone tried to get me to stop. Sakurako even made me Skype with her mum to explain why I shouldn't get so hung out over a guy.

"But it's _not _just a guy, Mrs. Ito. It's Howard."

"Yes, yes, the boy you play music with. You still shouldn't care so much! My daughter never go after boys, she a geisha. Why should you?"

"I'm not a woman."

"Eh."

I glowered, and Sakurako muttered something in Japanese. She put the computer away.

"Maybe it would make him feel better to talk to his mother." Akiko put her hands over her mouth as soon as she realized what she said. "I'm so sorry!"

I shook my head. "It's fine. Bryan Ferry was . . . he was a great father." I clung to a pillow for dear life.

"You know, they can easily test your DNA now."

"No, I've thought about that before. Trust me. I just . . . I'd rather not know. If I did know, and they were still alive, why did they leave me in a fucking forest? I don't want to have that conversation."

"You know, maybe it's for the best. Maybe they knew you would turn out okay. Maybe they knew, somehow, you would, one day, end up with two little orphans of your own."

"Maybe."

Eileen wouldn't be back with Howard and the twins until nightfall, like usual, so it gave me time to sleep. I decided I wasn't going to drink that night.

I slept until one in the morning, but woke up with a night terror.

"Howard?" I slid back his paper door. "Are you awake?"

He sat up. "Unfortunately." He yawned. "Did you have a night terror?" I nodded. "Get in."

"No, that's actually not what I wanted to talk about." I sat on the bottom of his futon.

"You want to talk?"

I nodded, and he sighed. "So, in my dream, the twins, Sakurako, Akiko, Eileen and I lived together. But you lived with Gideon, and she was really really mean to you. Like Precious was. You never came to visit the kids, and then you and Gideon had your own, and she didn't let them come over for play dates."

"Vince." He took both of my hands in his, and my vision was starting to slightly blur. "That will never happen."

"Why? Are you breaking up with her?"

"No!"

"What about all of those girls you slept with in Vegas?"

"What happens in Vegas-"

"Stays in Vegas, yes, I know." I was getting angry, and he could sense it.

"What's wrong?"

"I just . . ." I sighed. "Can I tell you something if you promise not to freak out?"

"You can tell me anything." I suddenly became aware that my hands were still in his, and my palms started sweating. I took them away, and put my head in my hands.

"I-I fancy you."

He froze. "What?"

"I fancy you." I peeked up at him, and it was like he was frozen. "Ho-Howard?"

"You fancy me?" I nodded, more ashamed than I ever had been with _anything. _"Get out of my room," he screamed at me.

"Wh-What?"

"You heard me!" My jaw dropped.

"If I recall, you fancied me first!"

"Mo-men-ta-ry la-a-a-a-a-a-a-pse." Tears were stinging at the corner of my eyes, so I did the only thing I had. I slapped him. "Ow!" He gasped. "Oh my God! You're . . . gay!"

"And? I thought you were a massive fucking gay-ist!"

"MOMENTARY LAPSE!" I glared at him. "You know what, just get out of my room, or I'll make you."

"Oh will you now?"

He nodded. His little shrimp eyes squinted tinier than I ever saw them, and he cornered me to a wall. "What the _hell _is wrong with you? You have no _right _to come in here and say that you fancy me, when I'm perfectly happy with Gideon."

"And those women in Vegas, and all the other ones." He slapped me, and I gasped. The tears started to flow freely now, but I was still pinned up against the wall, under his control.

"You little tit . . . you . . ." He didn't finish his sentence. I think I upset him when I started to cry. After all, it is Howard. He does care about me, no matter what.

"Howard?" I blinked a few times.

And we froze, just like that, in time. Not soon enough, I began to notice a slight tilting and moving of Howard's head. Specifically, closer to mine.

"Oh fuck oh shit oh fuck fuck fuck fuck," I thought, "our first real kiss. Alright."

As our lips touched, it felt like we could power the entire country, just from the electricity in the kiss. But all too soon, Howard pulled away.

"Just . . . go away." He pulled away from me, leaving me shell shocked. "Go!" I scrambled back to my room, sat on the floor by the closet, and started to cry.

I cried for a while, until I picked up my phone, and dialled the first number I could think of.

"Heeeeelllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo- Hello." I rolled my eyes.

"Hey Eleanor, can I speak to Gregg?"

"I'll see if he's alright, I've really just finished biting him into the next century."

"Thanks." I sniffled, and she put him on the phone. "Gregg?"

"What do you want Noir?"

"Howard's an ass."

"Yes."

"I confessed my love for him then he kissed me, and then he hit me."

"That _bastard_."

* * *

We didn't speak to each other for the rest of Japan. The rest of Asia, for that matter.

Akiko decided she would stay with her parents in Kyoto, so she didn't go with us for the rest of the time.

I hardly took care of the kids any more. Sakurako, Eileen, and Howard did mostly.

A year went by, while we were touring everywhere. A very awkward year. Finally, two weeks before the twins turned five, we went to the _real _City Of Lights. We were to spend five days there, and go back home in time for the twin's birthday. We were to spend New Years in Paris, after spending Christmas with family friends in Saint-Lizier.


	12. Goodnight Paris!

**Author's Note: **Okay, so, this is my last author's not at a beginning of a story. Ever. Unless I'm introducing it. But because this is the last chapter of the story, I didn't want to ruin the ending, so I'm putting this here: Have you seen The Watch? If not, you need to watch it.

The Watch came out before I found the god that is Richard Ayoade, who, if you don't know, is from the IT Crowd, which has Noel Fielding as a beautiful goth, and Ayoade also plays Saboo in the Mighty Boosh. He co-stars in this movie. And I'm in love with him! So if you haven't watched this, please watch it! You can find it really easy on Google! Watch it NOW. I'm not going to say anything about it, because, if you're like Roy, you'll go to a cannibal's house. And that's not ideal.

Besides that, I love you all, and I just want to hug every one of you, and I want to gather you all up, kiss every one of you, and then bounce with all of you in a bouncy house.

And I completely forgot that today is my birthday. So . . . I'd really like Richard Ayoade. If that's not too much to ask. Or Noel Fielding. I'd actually like both. Both would be good. Both would be very good. Happy birthday to me!

* * *

I was the one with the most experience with Paris, because after all, I'm a spokesperson for Jean Claude Jaquettie, so I have a studio here.

Everyone stayed in a hotel, but I stayed in my studio. I have a flat attached to it, but I mostly slept in the floor.

My usual happy paintings of glam rock artists and animals with really big cocks became darker and more depressed.

The best one, I will admit, was a picture of Howard, Eileen, the twins, Sakurako, Akiko and I that I painted. Howard looked like Frank-n-Furter, the twins looked like Brad and Janet, Eileen looked like Rocky, Akiko looked like Columbia, and Sakurako and I looked like Magenta and Riff Raff. It was the end of the floor show, right before Riff and Magenta were to kill Rocky, Frank, and Columbia. I don't want to kill Eileen and Akiko, but Howard. Howard I want to kill.

I mostly painted over photos of Howard.

This one time, though, I drew a Honey Monster. And Tony Harrison bumming him.

I drew a lot of Tony, actually. Bumming Howard. Howard with a ball gag, Howard with a squid hat, Howard crying saying "No more!", Howard dressed as Saboo, Howard saying my name, and Howard dressed as Mrs. Harrison, all being bummed by Tony. I actually sold the one with Howard dressed as Saboo to Tony for about a thousand euros.

I found this website online, and it's like a dating website, but it's basically mail order brides. So I met this one, Yonicha, and she's Thai. Yeah, I don't even know how to pronounce her name. So, we started talking, and she's wonderful . . . but I told her about Howard . . . and it went from me talking about dating her to me talking about dating Howard. It seems no woman can distract me from Howard.

So I went to another website, to look for a man. I found this wonderful guy named Pete. And we still ended up on Howard.

Pete and I didn't talk for long, so I went back to Yonicha. She said the most encouraging thing I have ever heard: "ur in the city of love! go for it man! before i go there and force you 2, and dont think im afraid! 555555! really though, get on it! im sure that hes just a bit freaked out. if i were u, id go for it. really. think about it vince, youre in paris, the city of love, and ur talking to a lonely mail order bride in thailand. go for it, before you end up like me... - Yonicha"

Five in that context means laughter.

She was right, though. I had to get out, get going. So, I found the saxophone part from the song Careless Whisper on a ten hour loop, put in earbuds, and wandered around Paris without an umbrella in the rain. As the rain stopped, I trudged up the stairs of the Eiffel Tower.

I looked off the platform with several other people. It seemed people were decorating for New Year's eve tomorrow. Howard was throwing a party in the suite. Howard Moon, somehow popular enough to fuck women, throw parties, and chuck me- _twice_.

"I don't need Howard. I'm strong. I can handle this on my own." I nodded to myself. "I'm strong enough to not go to his party. Oh for the love of God!" I tore the ear bugs out. "Rubbish." I sighed, and stood for a while.

Someone tapped on my shoulder, and I turned around. "Eh . . . pardon moi . . ." She held her camera up. "Picture? Take picture?"

"I speak English."

"Oh, thank God, no one seems to speak it in this damn town."

"We are in France, ma'am." I rolled my eyes at the American tourist, and took a picture of her and a guy she clung on to.

"Thanks!"

I rolled my eyes, and looked over the ledge again. "Tourists."

* * *

I went to the New Year's party, but to everyone's surprise, the host didn't.

I wore a very mod suit, with a brilliant mirror ball tie. Eileen wore a beautiful dress from no other than Topshop, and she was stunning. Sakurako wore a traditional Japanese kimono, which she had a limited, but very graceful, range of motion. The twins wore their best clothes.

I danced almost all night, half of the night standing on my knees chasing around the almost-four year-olds.

Sakurako and I, twenty till midnight, pretty much passed out on the couch from wrangling them.

"So . . . any word from Howard?"

"He hasn't talked to me in months, and you want to know if he told me why he didn't come?"

"Still nothing, huh?" She sighed. "I don't know what's wrong. Lately, he won't talk to any of us."

"Weird." She nodded.

"Not just that, he hasn't been spending as much time with the twins. He also, he keeps singing this song, I think it's called something like Sometimes When We Touch. Sweet song, really, it's a love song."

"I've heard that before . . . it's exactly like Howard. Something he would sing. It describes him, it really does." I nodded, and an awkward vibe settled over us.

"Well, I'd better get the twins." She scurried away, and I sighed.

"I have to get out of here," I whispered to myself. The walls were shrinking. I almost got to the door, when I was stopped by none other than Howard himself. No one seemed to notice.

"Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you." My eyebrows shot up to the sky, and my heart started beating, well, like a tiny _machine_.

"What?" My voice got higher than ever.

"I love you."

"How do you expect me to respond to this?"

"How about, you love me too."

"How about, I'm leaving. Wanker."

"Vince!"

"What do you mean by you love me?"

"I . . . I love you."

"Really, because you slapped me, several times, when I said I fancied you!"

"But I kissed you!"

"Yeah, and then you slapped me again."

"Vince, I love you. I really do!"

"I'm the last one to show you affection, is that it? And you're just lonely because it's New Year's eve, and you need someone to kiss at midnight."

"No, I love you!"

"Really?" We were both getting angry.

"Yes! I love that you get cold when it's burning up, and hot when it's freezing. I love that it takes you and hour and a half to order a meal. I love that your voice shoots up when you doubt my sanity. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your cologne on my clothes. And I love that you are the first person I want to talk to when I wake up, and the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

"And I love the way you _totally _stole that from When Harry Met Sally." He smiled, opening up his arms.

I stepped into them, and he held me as the clock counted down.

Our first kiss was to save my life. Our second was simply truth or dare. Our third was a bit more complicated, when I confessed my love to him, and I swear, if he was any more angry, he would have bummed me.

But our forth kiss . . .

Our forth kiss was why books are written, why songs are sung. (We're _really _not the unlucky ones.)

Our forth kiss was at the strike of midnight, New Year's day, with every fan in Paris that we could cram into our suite watching us cram our tongues down each other's throats. Our forth kiss was the kiss that kept on until most of the guests left. Our forth kiss was the kiss that promoted the question: "Why has Daddy Howard been giving Daddy Vince CPR for an hour?" Our forth kiss was the kiss that made me reluctant to break away so we could go to my studio.

Our forth kiss was the kiss that lead on to all of our other kisses, and our eternal happiness. (And a _ton _of bumming!)


End file.
